WHAT IF I DIED

It has been a while since I blogged. I have missed these reflections, but for a few weeks now, it was an accomplishment to get from my bed to my couch.

Sickness is relative, and in the big picture, I am fine. However, two weeks ago, I for the first time in my life wondered if a virus was going to be something worse. I wondered if this was the end.

A fever creeped past 104 and I found myself in a warm bath hoping the Tylenol would help. My body shivered and my mind went to an unfamiliar place.

I started to make plans. A visit to the emergency room was possible. Who would watch my 14-month old daughter? What if this was more than a virus, and I never returned home?

In hindsight, even in writing this, it feels dramatic. But in the moment, it was real.

Several years ago, a virus turned into something more and a good friend died unexpectedly. It was Christmas Eve.

I was haunted by this memory as I felt my mind start to spiral out of control. The thought of dying was as real as it ever was in my 35 years of life.

In a week’s time, and after some helpful medicine and rest, I emerge stronger from this illness. It doesn’t make me look at life dramatically different because I tend to be grateful and appreciative of life’s moments.

I am stronger as I realize in a clearer way the preciousness of life. The thought of leaving my home and not returning was real. Too real.

I am blessed to be fine and grateful for the health I have so I can continue to bring love into the world. I pray that I can continue to use my future days to their full potential, understanding a little more how it can all change in a moment.